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pei holiday party

i was wavering whether to go to the preschool holiday party and decided to.

Andy had to babysit since our babysitter had to bail, so it was just me. I had a surprisingly good time.

It was nice listening to one of the teachers talk about K. She said the last few weeks, K has changed and is now more aware of her schoolmates. So at the playground, if another kid is crying, she would come and tug at the teacher so that someone would take care of the crying baby.

Also the mom of twins said that their kiddos love K and would say her name all the time.

How did we luck out with an emotionally empathetic, kind child.
She is so amazing.

The twin mom said we must have a very happy peaceful home and I laughed and said that I argue with Andy a lot. But I remember when she was pretty young, about a year old and I was angry at Andy, K would come up to me in the middle of my tirade, and hug me.

one or two: part 2

What is holding me back?
1. Finances. It's 900 per month for K to go to her french montessori preschool. With baby #2, we would've to move her out of there to a cheaper daycare, so it would be 1400 a month for childcare. Our health insurance will bump up another 300.

2. Space. We live in 852 sq feet, so we may have to consider moving. Or think about a "Tiny house" lifestyle.

3. Pregnancy.

4. Anxiety. I have anxiety issues and worry about birth and the baby and all that.

Pros:
1. K is so amazing. We would have another one and it would be even more amazing.

2. We would have a bigger family. I'm pretty much an orphan so the family I have now is the family I make.

3. It would be nice to be old and have more kids.

one or two

I've made a couple of FB posts on parenting groups about having another kiddo, and I wanted to documented those thoughts.

--

I've been struggling with the decision to have another child or not. Last month I decided we would, and then we tried and I freaked out and became super anxious when I thought that I could be pregnant. My period came, and now I get to decide again. For me, I like the idea of having a bigger family. However, a second child will make it harder for me to pursue my personal dreams and career choices. I want to write a book and be a filmmaker one day, or put them on hold for another five years or so. I just feel so undecided about this. I guess I'm sharing to see if others have the same thoughts, and the decisions they made.

-- Several days later:

Thank you for sharing. I did notice that over the conversation, I felt more resistant to the argument of having more kids. I know you will not regret them generally. Or that children are wonderful. But that argument applies to having 5 children as well, or telling childless people to have kids. I did ask my 2 year old if she wanted siblings and she said both yes and no on different times. And then I'm like: Why am I asking a 2 year old what to do with my uterus? So then I found two facebook groups of parents with only children. And though I haven't posted a thread on those group, it's been nice to find a community of people who have one child by choice and to see them processing it. The majority of parents choose to have more then 1, including in this group it seems. I know I'm over thinking this, it's my personality, and this is a huge financial decision for us. We live in 852 sq feet so we would have to move. We would need a bigger car, we would have to pay another 700/mth in daycare. And, I'm just not the most patient person in the world. So I'm leaning towards 1 at the moment. I may change my mind, or we may have an oopsie, moment. Anyways, that's where I am. Oversharer/overthinker. Thank you for sharing your life as well.

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election

Well election night was one of the worst nights of my life. It felt exactly like a breakup. I couldn't sleep, I woke up at 3 am and stayed up till 5 am going through facebook. Finding out that Hillary conceded.

I was so sad and nervous and shaking at points.

Now, two days later, I'm much better. I've gone through all the stages of grief, and am mostly at the acceptance stage. So actaully it was less bad then a break up, since those usually take longer.

There is still anger and sadness occasionally though, but it's okay. My family will make a bubble where we take care of each other.

Last night, at book club, I was actually pretty touched when I saw white girls be super sad and mourning and questioning whether they should've done more. And it gave me faith in the younger generation. We're going to be okay because they are okay.

Slowly, we will outbreed hate.
I am so tired.

In the middle of peak wedding season here, double weddings. Andy knew this was going to be my busy season but he is just as busy as ever. He doesn't have an off day, every single day, he works. Monday to Sunday.

In the middle of busy season we had to evacuate our home for 5 days because they fiberglass resined the condo next door.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. And there is no one real to reach out to.

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lchf

So far today, I've eaten about 42 g of carbs, which is super low for me.
And 1800 calories.

I do feel way more productive, and higher energy. let's see how i sleep, if the heartburn reduces.

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So my life has been super crazy busy this week. Between volunteering for fantastic fest, and a pool party that my friend organized, and also being in houston an extra day because andy's car broke down, just as we were trying to leave Houston.

Fantastic fest is crazy. This is a whole essay in each self.

The photog pool party was too sunny, and it took a lot of time out of my busy week and I wasn't sure it was worth it. I'm just no longer into the drinking culture, oh wait. I never was. I like the 1x1 time I spent with my friends, but not the whole big group of people thing.

Today I wrapped up a 12 hour shift at the alamo drafthouse.

Aug. 28th, 2016

The week after camp I went to ballet twice, and the gym once. Hopefully I can maintain that level of physical activity.

Yesterday we celebrated K's birthday. She had a Daniel Tiger cake from Polkadots, and I put crepe streamers on the wall, and made a birthday banner with hemp. We had a small group, about 14 adults and 8 kids and it was the perfect amount.

K kept trying to sneak to get cake, and she blew the candles by herself!

It was fun.

dance camp day 3

The day started off good, with me saying in my head a mantra: "I love myself" and also "I love dance". And it helped me stay positive. I did ask Heidi if I could down place to level 2/3a for the variation and pas and she said yes.

The variation was definitely on the easy side, and it was nice not having to constantly work so hard and be on the bottom of the class and playing catch up.

Which was how I felt at Pedro's class, and I was so annoyed at his rep I almost cried angry tears, I didn't tho. I had to remind myself: "I love dance!"

His rep is crazy hard. It's 4 mins 16 seconds, which is long, and then after one run thru my heart is beating so fast and I could feel heat blazing through my skin. It's however, really really good for my body. Because how often do I push myself to the point that my skin is burning.

I think dance camp is waking up processes in my body that I forgot I had. I've been pretty sedentary this last year. Insert excuses here.

I was worried that I couldn't handle this camp, and so far I'm doing fine. But it's only day 3. Hahah. Tomorrow is partnering.

After class we had dinner in the thai place, and then I am doing laundry which reminds me next time I come to have enough stuff so that I don't do laundry.

Hang out with Robyn and folks and now it's bed time!

dance camp day 2

I danced from 9 am to 4 pm, and I feel rather sore right now, but overall ok. I did manage to comically fall while trying to get out of the hotel pool and injured my leg a bit. So the main injury was not dance related.

I'm doing better then I thought I would. I have pain in the bottom of the ball of a foot, under the second meta tarsal and I figured out how to relieve the pain, by padding my ballet slipper. I use the toe-pads from my old pointe shoes. So that's given me relief.

Repertory was today, Pedro's choreography of Alice in Wonderland and it's insane. We're only halfway through and it's a lot of running and patterns and stuff. A bit above my pay grade I think.

I did feel a high at the end of the day, intense exercise is good for my body.

I'm thinking of voluntary dropping down a level in my variation and partnering class. We'll see. <------ This is a huge maturity step for me.

Someone today got really upset because Heidi placed her in 2/3A. And I remember last year when another girl did the same thing. And I remember in 2008 and 2009 when I did the same thing. In fact, I just read my 2009 entry about how upset I was about class placement. Though, I accepted Heidi's judgement in a quieter way.

But today, I don't care as much. I think partly it's maturity and zenness. And partly being more gentle with my rather out of shape body.

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