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Dear Journal,

The last 4 weeks have been miserable.

The day before Christmas at the Indian Lodge, I started to bleed. It was too early for my period. So I thought it may be implantation bleeding. But usually those don't last that long, and four days later I was still bleeding, so I thought that I miscarried. I've tracked my cycle since 2007. I know my body.

We went home, I took a pregnancy test - negative, we lit a candle for the little fetus, and then we went to Houston. I was pretty sick with a cold the whole time I was there. Cut my boardgaming con short. And when we went home I was thinking of doing antibiotics, or stronger medicine. But instinct made me do another pregnancy test. The test blinked "pregnant". Then turned off, So I dragged Kaya to Randalls, which was closed, then Walgreens, and I tested two more times: pregnant.

Andy was at work, so I was alone digesting this news. A couple of hours after the tests I started to cramp. It was mildly painful. Lasted 45 mins. And then the pain stopped. While I was no longer bleeding a lot, I was still spotting. I've spotted constantly since the implantation bleeding at Christmas.

2 nights later, I had cramping, and painful wrap around contractions. The cramps were mostly on my left side.

I made an appointment with the OB, they don't want to see you till 7/8 weeks when they can see something in the ultrasound.

The cramping and spotting were not good signs though. So I got my blood drawn on a Fri, Jan 6.
On Monday, the nurse called me, and said, "Oh shoot. The numbers are not healthy."

My HCG was 104, and my pregesterone was 2.1. The numbers were too low for week 5 of pregnancy. So she wanted me to redraw my blood to see where the HCG was going. I went back that monday, and the lab order was messed up, and instead of testing for HCG, they tested some other useless test. I called the OB office so they had to straighten it out. On Tuesday, I kept waiting for information and they didn't tell me my HCG, but today, Wednesday, one of the nurses sorted it out. My HCG was 46. Which if this was a miscarriage was the numbers we wanted to see. It meant that my body was progressing with the miscarry.

I'm a bit sad. I may be a bit depressed.

It was really strange that this NY Times article was published on Jan 6
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html?_r=0

I wanted a way to commemorate my tiny fetus, so went to Shoal Creek nursery to get a garden animal. I picked one and as I was about to pay, I saw jizos in their half off sales section. So I got one, and then brought it home.

Last night I cuddled with it a bit as I was sleeping. I like its heavy weight on my heart.
Back home after a quiet trip to West Texas.

Overall it's been a rough Christmas for me, because I've been sick. I'm still a little bit sick I think, at the tail end. Trying to figure out how not to clench my teeth and continue to make myself feel bad in the awake hours.

It's funny how when I'm sick I don't want sugar. If I don't crave sugar when I'm sick but I do when I'm well, does it mean it's because my WBC are killing the organisms that cause me to crave sugar. If I can exist not craving sugar, how do I make this happen in my normal world.

Christmas Day

We woke up and had breakfast and did presents. Andy was super generous and I feel pretty loved. K was super excited about her presents. I was really excited about Christmases and lately I've been a bit humbug-ian but now K is bringing back the wonder and joy of Christmas. She makes everything new again.

After presents, we drove to Alpine for Chinese buffet which was mediocre but cheap. Then we drove over to Marfa and visited El Cosmico where we saw bunny rabbits and a roadrunner. Hung out in hammocks.

Then we are back at the Indian lodge which is peaceful and quiet and K and dad are napping and I'm chilling with a banana bread and books and sweet tea.

French preschool end of year potluck

K was supposed to do a presentation, she didn't sing the first part but she danced well. And then ran off to find Daddy instead of finishing twinkle-twinkle-little-star in French.

She's so tiny compared to the other kiddos in her school.

One of the teachers, Jeannette, says she is very sweet. and that she understands a lot of the French.

Another teacher says she doesn't speak much yet, but it takes time, and she's only been there since August.

I've connected friends-wise with 2 mamas. One is a mama of twins who has zero filters. Like way worse then me. And she cracks me up.

The other one is an animator, and their series just got purchased by Youtube. We have a ton of connections thru improv and ballet.

wine choc cheese

We had our gabillionth it seems holiday party.

It went really well, my young adult book club showed up in full force and took over the living room. The improv people took over another room. And James and Ed showed up after Nutcracker. It was a lovely and nice gathering.

People seem to like the introvert room.

It was definitely one of the funner ones for me and reminded me of friends I need to invest time with.

pei holiday party

i was wavering whether to go to the preschool holiday party and decided to.

Andy had to babysit since our babysitter had to bail, so it was just me. I had a surprisingly good time.

It was nice listening to one of the teachers talk about K. She said the last few weeks, K has changed and is now more aware of her schoolmates. So at the playground, if another kid is crying, she would come and tug at the teacher so that someone would take care of the crying baby.

Also the mom of twins said that their kiddos love K and would say her name all the time.

How did we luck out with an emotionally empathetic, kind child.
She is so amazing.

The twin mom said we must have a very happy peaceful home and I laughed and said that I argue with Andy a lot. But I remember when she was pretty young, about a year old and I was angry at Andy, K would come up to me in the middle of my tirade, and hug me.

one or two: part 2

What is holding me back?
1. Finances. It's 900 per month for K to go to her french montessori preschool. With baby #2, we would've to move her out of there to a cheaper daycare, so it would be 1400 a month for childcare. Our health insurance will bump up another 300.

2. Space. We live in 852 sq feet, so we may have to consider moving. Or think about a "Tiny house" lifestyle.

3. Pregnancy.

4. Anxiety. I have anxiety issues and worry about birth and the baby and all that.

Pros:
1. K is so amazing. We would have another one and it would be even more amazing.

2. We would have a bigger family. I'm pretty much an orphan so the family I have now is the family I make.

3. It would be nice to be old and have more kids.

one or two

I've made a couple of FB posts on parenting groups about having another kiddo, and I wanted to documented those thoughts.

--

I've been struggling with the decision to have another child or not. Last month I decided we would, and then we tried and I freaked out and became super anxious when I thought that I could be pregnant. My period came, and now I get to decide again. For me, I like the idea of having a bigger family. However, a second child will make it harder for me to pursue my personal dreams and career choices. I want to write a book and be a filmmaker one day, or put them on hold for another five years or so. I just feel so undecided about this. I guess I'm sharing to see if others have the same thoughts, and the decisions they made.

-- Several days later:

Thank you for sharing. I did notice that over the conversation, I felt more resistant to the argument of having more kids. I know you will not regret them generally. Or that children are wonderful. But that argument applies to having 5 children as well, or telling childless people to have kids. I did ask my 2 year old if she wanted siblings and she said both yes and no on different times. And then I'm like: Why am I asking a 2 year old what to do with my uterus? So then I found two facebook groups of parents with only children. And though I haven't posted a thread on those group, it's been nice to find a community of people who have one child by choice and to see them processing it. The majority of parents choose to have more then 1, including in this group it seems. I know I'm over thinking this, it's my personality, and this is a huge financial decision for us. We live in 852 sq feet so we would have to move. We would need a bigger car, we would have to pay another 700/mth in daycare. And, I'm just not the most patient person in the world. So I'm leaning towards 1 at the moment. I may change my mind, or we may have an oopsie, moment. Anyways, that's where I am. Oversharer/overthinker. Thank you for sharing your life as well.

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election

Well election night was one of the worst nights of my life. It felt exactly like a breakup. I couldn't sleep, I woke up at 3 am and stayed up till 5 am going through facebook. Finding out that Hillary conceded.

I was so sad and nervous and shaking at points.

Now, two days later, I'm much better. I've gone through all the stages of grief, and am mostly at the acceptance stage. So actaully it was less bad then a break up, since those usually take longer.

There is still anger and sadness occasionally though, but it's okay. My family will make a bubble where we take care of each other.

Last night, at book club, I was actually pretty touched when I saw white girls be super sad and mourning and questioning whether they should've done more. And it gave me faith in the younger generation. We're going to be okay because they are okay.

Slowly, we will outbreed hate.
I am so tired.

In the middle of peak wedding season here, double weddings. Andy knew this was going to be my busy season but he is just as busy as ever. He doesn't have an off day, every single day, he works. Monday to Sunday.

In the middle of busy season we had to evacuate our home for 5 days because they fiberglass resined the condo next door.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. And there is no one real to reach out to.

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ripresa

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