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feelings

I'm someone who feels a lot of things. I have a lot of feelings.
And telling me not to feel them is basically just deadening my soul.

I move from wave to wave.

I think maybe the key for me, is to have my neutral state be more like a quiet joy or contentment. That way even if I'm in wave, or a in a dip, I learn to move back to that quiet joy.

When someone disappoints or cuts me, I can ride that wave and get back to quiet joy.

I do think my mental space is important and to figure out what is the appropriate amount of mental space things or people should take.

What is important to me? What are my values?
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achilles tendon and pandemic weekend

I overheard a song by The Killers that Nicolas Palmquist had a dance too, while eating a taco at Velvet Taco.

I put it on when I was at home and it made me fly and dance around and it was glorious. I played twice or three times.

Anyways, then my left achilles tendon started complaining, and by the evening both feet were complaining but the left one especially. I woke up today and my left one is still hurting quite a bit. To the point that I cancelled tomorrow's lesson. I'm going to see what it feels like tomorrow morning but this may mean I push back new guy E's lesson from Tues to Thursday.

The right foot is also complaining some, but less then the left.

Urgh. It was foolish to dance all out without warm up and without the strength for it.

I really hope I can still keep my dance lesson on Wednesday.

I think I may have to give up contemporary or just be really really careful when I dance that and ballet. I've had an inkling of it throughout quarantine when I was doing the broadway and contemporary classes and my achilles tendon would hurt.

This is the strongest indicator tho.

Anyways, yesterday I had a lovely day with the N's. Their hot tub and pool were lovely and she served us great food and there were wonderful drinks. So good.
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After lesson

I drank an entire small margarita at velvet taco after my dance lesson 😷and now I'm tipsy and I have to hang out by myself and drink water.

But it's nice to be around people and seeing people pass and being drunk and hearing the music from the bars and my body being wrung out from dance and I'm tipsy

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(no subject)

I know this happiness is provisional:
the looming presences –

great suffering, great fear –
withdraw only

into peripheral vision:
but ineluctable this shimmering

of wind in the blue leaves:
this flood of stillness

widening the lake of sky:
this need to dance,

this need to kneel:
this mystery.
– Denise Levertov, Of Being
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jeremy

I called Jenny while I was crying but she didn't answer.

So I called Jeremy. He picked up the phone.

I said, "Jeremy, I'm crying."
His immediate response: "I'm here for you. What do you need?"
Me: "I'm sad."
"Hello, sadness."

Which was the most perfect response and he basically sat with me while I felt my sadness. He asked me how sadness felt like? I told him it felt like helplessness and vulnerability. And he said those are different feelings. Do you think that's sadness? Is that part of sadness? So he made me sit with it for a while.

He said the whole country is depressed. Our energy is depressed, our activities are depressed. I asked him how he was, and he said, "Happily depressed."
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fri corona times

april seems to stretch out so long.

today i'm grateful for
1. a soft comfy bed
2. work
3. good friends

it would be nice if it would stop raining for a bit and i can wonder around. maybe i should drive regardless.
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today

I woke up grieving, my heart beating really fast.
But as the day wore on, I got better, starting with vpl with J, and then I practiced a bit of the paso doble choreo he gave me, which he was nice enough to take my feedback and not just do all drills.

Then after that, I did a little bit of the 7 pm val class and then 8 pm ryan class and then I was pretty pooped.

But generally happy and ok.

I think ballroom is still what I need to be doing at the moment.
I really hope we can be released in may.
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brain state

I'm having a hard time with resiliency. I'm okay for parts of the day and then I go into a downward spiral of rage or sadness for other parts of the day. We are just almost done with week 2. And it looks like this will last at least 4 more weeks. Help. Any non-conventional method tips? Assume I've tried the more usual tips like meditation or breathing. I don't want to start binge drinking either.

The way I self-medicate previously was ballroom dancing. Yes, I can dance at home, but it's totally different and doesn't have that zen feeling where I can just switch off my brain and follow a leader.

---

Kate: Hey N I really feel for ya. I discovered a couple years ago that I easily downward spiral if I don't have a hands-on craft that I'm actively engaged in (pottery now but previously it's been making books, marbling paper, printmaking). That's my ballroom dancing. It's an activity where there is flow and my brain goes to a different place - it feels almost empty and very calm.
I definitely think you need to find a replacement for your dancing. Can you figure out what it is about the dancing that helps get you into this state of mind? Is it the leader aspect, the music, the movement, a combination? There are likely other things you can do in isolation that will mimic various aspects of dance, but it may take some experimentation to find the right fit.
You game, too, right? have you done much gaming? Can you participate in a kind of led gaming? (I know Josh sometimes plays and leads some form of gaming like this although I don't know much more myself, but can always ask him).
I'm happy to brainstorm this with you, or maybe others here can suggest hobbies they use for this. And keep us posted if you find something that helps!


----

N: yes, that is the brain state I’m missing right now. Flow, empty, calm. You described it well.
I need to think what can replace it.


---

Kate Mac For sure. Let's brainstorm! It may well be something you've never considered before. It surprised me to discover that I need hands on crafty stuff and I explored a bunch of that stuff so that's my arena of knowledge. Others may have better ideas for more physical stuff. Maybe a type of martial art? Jennifer, Ed, Karen could suggest stuff here.
Singing? I bet there are online choirs forming.
I love carving into stuff whether it's wood, lino, clay.
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dailies

Yesterday:
3 amazing things that happened
1. A great virtual lesson
2. Having my own spot in town lake
3. Frozen margarita from Velvet Taco

"I mean, it could be a depressing time, but you don't allow that to happen."

How could I have made yesterday better?
1. Less moping

Morning:
I am grateful for
1. My family
2. It's a sunday!
3. Work code working

What would make today great?
1. Going outside.
2. Some dancing

Daily affirmations. I am
1. wonderful
2. patient

Also this gave me life today. From ballroom dancer fiesta:

As such, I think that the psychological approach to rehab is a useful one. It is certainly the outlook I've adopted for myself. It looks something like this.

***********
I don't know when I can return to the sport. But I promise to myself that as soon as I can, I will.
I cannot engage in training as usual. But there are certain related individual skills I can still practice
I cannot improve my overall skill. But I can maintain it, and keep from backsliding.
There is no emotional payoff for the work I do now. But overcoming this will make my future success that much sweeter.