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(no subject)

" In Buddhist teaching, attachment is the root cause of suffering. “Attachment” has a very specific meaning, which is more in the sense of control. If you think of the generosity aspect of love, there are a lot of different ways of giving a gift. You can give someone a gift, and it’s really a freely given gift. Or you can give someone a gift because they have something you want—”Maybe if I give you this, you’ll give me that.” You can give a gift with a timetable of how soon you’d like to be thanked, and how loudly you’d like to be thanked.

Those strings, the expectation, the need for reciprocity—they’re human and they’re understandable, but they cause a lot of suffering because those things are not in our control. We can’t control someone else’s behavior. [Trying to control it leads to] a state of suffering."
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df dance

Pro is about to take 3 weeks off and this is our last in person lesson for the month. Though we might do virtuals after a week. How you know you're addicted to ballroom? Planning your vacations based on Pro's schedule. I was like: Oh. I guess I can go on a vacation then.

We were talking about risky stuff and death, and how when I’m afraid I might die, I pray for forgiveness.

Pro: “Well. Is there anything you want to say to me? Anything to apologize for?”
Me: “What? No! I’ve been a great student.”
I narrowed my eyes at him: “How about you? Anything you need to say?”
Pro: “Nope. No regrets.”

Pro: “If I die I will haunt you.”
Then he comes close and whispers creepily in my ear. “Core.....”
Because I am so bad at holding my core.

On a more serious note, he wanted our Smooth lessons to be doubles and I started that several weeks ago. But I have a harder time staying focused, like my brain gets wiped and I get really hungry. Normally I don’t eat before lessons, but now I’m going to have to figure out when and what to eat before, so that my brain and body can stay focused.

He snaps his fingers at me when I lose focus, and notices when my eyes start drifting and he doesn't like that.

We work on so much in these Smooth doubles. More attention on shaping.
I’m still working on the Waltz heights.
Before I dance: down-up-up and now I'm trying to retrain to down-halfup-up
So different. But! Lightbulb moment here… going halfup on second step means my stance can be wider and be more on balanced. So this is how people take giant strides in Waltz!

We also cleaned up my waterfalls a bit. I think my waterfalls are already amazing. But he thought my arms weren’t clean enough and the timing weren’t clean enough. It’s NEVER ENOUGH.

In V Waltz, for explosion lines, he’s been trying to get me to fully arrive, still facing him, before I explode.

I also asked for 3 exercises to do while on break, and he gave them to me. So I prob should do them.
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2020

Well. I grew a lot. That was the choice for 2020: either grow a lot, or slide into the darkness. There might have been some darkness too.

There was ballroom dancing, which should be obvious from all my social media. I usually have a hundred hobbies, but with Covid, it narrowed down into ballroom dancing with masks. I’m pretty sure I’ve spent over $400 on masks.

I delved into Stoicism this year. It’s a tough love philosophy that appeals to me. “Suck it up. Just do the work.” “Everyone can wallow in depression, but you get up and get shit done.” It’s good for me because my fundamental beliefs are to give in to pleasure, to find joy and happiness. To play. So Stoicism balances that a bit. But I fundamentally still believe that the purpose of life is to live. To find the joy and love in living.

I had stopped reading for a while, but Covid brought it back into my life. There’s been a little bit more TV, but not much.

Andy. What can I say about Andy, we have been together forever, and he is my home. When my energy is low, and when I am sad, I can go to his arms, and breathe in his energy, and he makes things better.

Kiddo is loud and joyful and demands hugs and legos.

Happy New Year! May 2021 be more playful for all of us.
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dancef

Yesterday my open level latin friend came over to help me practice my intl rhumba choreo. At one point she said: "During the fan, crunch your upper back which draws your foot in."

And I was like: what the heck?

I put my hand on her upper back and I could feel her crunching her upper back. And in my own body, I could barely feel it. So she gave me micro exercises to help me feel my lats and learn to isolate them and crunch them.

Today at the Sat morning lesson, my teacher was asking me to push my shoulders further down, and to engage my lats. And I could barely hold my arms when it was all correct.

So another body part to work on.

However, when my lats are engaged and my shoulders are down, I look like a dancer or a yogi. And I think the only way to strengthen this is to absorb it into my real life.

I really think this is a big step in my dancing progress. Because it also makes my spins better, and my posture and the whole dance look better.
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(no subject)

This morning while on the porch.
Andy: "Hello someone that is loved by a lot of people."
Then kisses me on the neck.
Me: "Am I loved by a lot of people? Really?" In an insecure way. There's been way too much drama lately.
"The important ones."

K: "Me too!"
Sy: "I love you too!"
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content

i'm pretty content today.

it helps that i'm not pms-ing and i just danced so much last weekend. with the double dance lesson with J on friday and the saturday mini-match.
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feelings

I'm someone who feels a lot of things. I have a lot of feelings.
And telling me not to feel them is basically just deadening my soul.

I move from wave to wave.

I think maybe the key for me, is to have my neutral state be more like a quiet joy or contentment. That way even if I'm in wave, or a in a dip, I learn to move back to that quiet joy.

When someone disappoints or cuts me, I can ride that wave and get back to quiet joy.

I do think my mental space is important and to figure out what is the appropriate amount of mental space things or people should take.

What is important to me? What are my values?
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achilles tendon and pandemic weekend

I overheard a song by The Killers that Nicolas Palmquist had a dance too, while eating a taco at Velvet Taco.

I put it on when I was at home and it made me fly and dance around and it was glorious. I played twice or three times.

Anyways, then my left achilles tendon started complaining, and by the evening both feet were complaining but the left one especially. I woke up today and my left one is still hurting quite a bit. To the point that I cancelled tomorrow's lesson. I'm going to see what it feels like tomorrow morning but this may mean I push back new guy E's lesson from Tues to Thursday.

The right foot is also complaining some, but less then the left.

Urgh. It was foolish to dance all out without warm up and without the strength for it.

I really hope I can still keep my dance lesson on Wednesday.

I think I may have to give up contemporary or just be really really careful when I dance that and ballet. I've had an inkling of it throughout quarantine when I was doing the broadway and contemporary classes and my achilles tendon would hurt.

This is the strongest indicator tho.

Anyways, yesterday I had a lovely day with the N's. Their hot tub and pool were lovely and she served us great food and there were wonderful drinks. So good.
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After lesson

I drank an entire small margarita at velvet taco after my dance lesson 😷and now I'm tipsy and I have to hang out by myself and drink water.

But it's nice to be around people and seeing people pass and being drunk and hearing the music from the bars and my body being wrung out from dance and I'm tipsy