I like pretty things


I woke up grieving, my heart beating really fast.
But as the day wore on, I got better, starting with vpl with J, and then I practiced a bit of the paso doble choreo he gave me, which he was nice enough to take my feedback and not just do all drills.

Then after that, I did a little bit of the 7 pm val class and then 8 pm ryan class and then I was pretty pooped.

But generally happy and ok.

I think ballroom is still what I need to be doing at the moment.
I really hope we can be released in may.
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brain state

I'm having a hard time with resiliency. I'm okay for parts of the day and then I go into a downward spiral of rage or sadness for other parts of the day. We are just almost done with week 2. And it looks like this will last at least 4 more weeks. Help. Any non-conventional method tips? Assume I've tried the more usual tips like meditation or breathing. I don't want to start binge drinking either.

The way I self-medicate previously was ballroom dancing. Yes, I can dance at home, but it's totally different and doesn't have that zen feeling where I can just switch off my brain and follow a leader.


Kate: Hey N I really feel for ya. I discovered a couple years ago that I easily downward spiral if I don't have a hands-on craft that I'm actively engaged in (pottery now but previously it's been making books, marbling paper, printmaking). That's my ballroom dancing. It's an activity where there is flow and my brain goes to a different place - it feels almost empty and very calm.
I definitely think you need to find a replacement for your dancing. Can you figure out what it is about the dancing that helps get you into this state of mind? Is it the leader aspect, the music, the movement, a combination? There are likely other things you can do in isolation that will mimic various aspects of dance, but it may take some experimentation to find the right fit.
You game, too, right? have you done much gaming? Can you participate in a kind of led gaming? (I know Josh sometimes plays and leads some form of gaming like this although I don't know much more myself, but can always ask him).
I'm happy to brainstorm this with you, or maybe others here can suggest hobbies they use for this. And keep us posted if you find something that helps!


N: yes, that is the brain state I’m missing right now. Flow, empty, calm. You described it well.
I need to think what can replace it.


Kate Mac For sure. Let's brainstorm! It may well be something you've never considered before. It surprised me to discover that I need hands on crafty stuff and I explored a bunch of that stuff so that's my arena of knowledge. Others may have better ideas for more physical stuff. Maybe a type of martial art? Jennifer, Ed, Karen could suggest stuff here.
Singing? I bet there are online choirs forming.
I love carving into stuff whether it's wood, lino, clay.
I like pretty things


3 amazing things that happened
1. A great virtual lesson
2. Having my own spot in town lake
3. Frozen margarita from Velvet Taco

"I mean, it could be a depressing time, but you don't allow that to happen."

How could I have made yesterday better?
1. Less moping

I am grateful for
1. My family
2. It's a sunday!
3. Work code working

What would make today great?
1. Going outside.
2. Some dancing

Daily affirmations. I am
1. wonderful
2. patient

Also this gave me life today. From ballroom dancer fiesta:

As such, I think that the psychological approach to rehab is a useful one. It is certainly the outlook I've adopted for myself. It looks something like this.

I don't know when I can return to the sport. But I promise to myself that as soon as I can, I will.
I cannot engage in training as usual. But there are certain related individual skills I can still practice
I cannot improve my overall skill. But I can maintain it, and keep from backsliding.
There is no emotional payoff for the work I do now. But overcoming this will make my future success that much sweeter.
I like pretty things

corona times

well, my mental health is not doing so well.
i felt depressed a few times today.
at one point, i was lying on a puddle on the floor. and i made myself go outside and lie on the hammock. and then i facetimed james f, who thankfully answered.
his cheerful face made me feel better, his ballet company would've layed him off in the summer anyways (totes normal ballet company procedure, they lay off their company memmbers, and then give them a contract again in the fall. it's dumb.)
and he cheered me up.

I think i need projects or something. I mean yeah there's ballroom, it's ongoing, but it also reminds me of things I'm missing.
I like pretty things

daillies - end of Corona week 1

I am grateful for:
1. My daughter cuddling me.
2. Grocery stores having mill king milk!
3. My fasting blood sugar is 80, so freaking low!!! I have beaten pre-diabetes.

What would make today great?
1. Keeping my mental state grounded.
2. Doing something productive.
3. Doing some fitness.

Daily affirmations. I am
1. I am amazing.
2. I am loved
3. I am optimistic that the lockdown will only last 4 weeks.

3 amazing things that happened today
1. I got an amazing new toy
2. Craig from conspirare posted a song that made me cry.
3. dance party with mark kamemura

How could I have made today better?
Today was good. I finally accepted the corona quarantine in that I slowed down.
I still danced a bunch: the 4 pm dance party, dancing alone, a little bit of practice, a little bit of cuban motion technique by Nazar.

Then I started cleaning up the right wall section of my bedroom. Which is part of my acceptance. yesterday I was cleaning my email inbox.

This is the end of week 1.
I like pretty things


3 amazing things that happened today
1. I had a really great private today. It was full of joy and laughter, and dancing.
2. Andy got mirrors to put on the walls for dancing
3. K singing a song about loving and hugging us.

How could I have made today better?
I think, today was pretty good considering we're in the middle of a crazy time in the world right now.
I like pretty things

fb copy

So on Wednesday, I dressed as a dark Rey from Star Wars and went to the dance social at Dance With Me. People saw me all spiffy and decided I was performing at the social. “You’re doing a spotlight!” One of my new friends, Maria said: “About time! Finally!” And I had to repeat myself several times, “No, guys. I’m just dressed up nice. I’m not performing tonight." I thought it was funny and I told my instructor, Johnny. “Everyone thinks I’m doing a spotlight!” And he looks at me and said, “Let’s do one! Do you want to do the tango?” And I freaked out. “No. No. No.”
So we didn’t do a spotlight but he did drag me on the floor later for a tango, which I spazzed out on, and afterwards he asked, “What’s wrong with you?!”
And I said, “Performance anxiety.”
“We’re not even performing!”
I mean, he thought we weren’t performing, but at DWM, there are almost always more people talking and watching, then dancing. Probably because they serve wine and cheese.
Anyways, I came home, and talked with my husband, who does professional theatre. We talked about the arts and performance and I’m like, “Why can’t I just dance for the sake of dancing. Why can’t you do improv, for the sake of doing improv?” And he replied, “Because improv is a performative art!”
The next evening, I’m at Fred Astaire, my old studio that I’ve only been to twice in the last month because they moved far away. Dillon and I were working on the studio’s waltz open, and another instructor, Ryan watched us and said, “You guys should perform this tonight, at the party.”
The universe had lined up a similar choice again. Performing half-baked work that I wasn’t comfortable with, and a partner I hadn’t seen much in a while.
This time I said, “Okay.”
So I performed at the social with Dillon. I immediately fucked up my arms in the first measures, which caused me to smile really big, and which I think made Dillon smile, so we didn’t have serious Waltz faces. It was a short performance, and I had fun.
I think I experience pressure and expectations differently between the two studios.
I like pretty things

south lake tahoe

It's Christmas Day!

The morning was quite lovely. We opened presents then hung out in the general area. The hotel has free breakfast. Then we hung out in front of the fireplace. We wore the matching Hanna Anderson PJs I got for us.

Andy and K played with legos, and I was on the computer.

An Australian boy, Leo, played UNO with us.

After that we had tacos at Azul at the Heavenly Village. Then I headed back to the hotel since I was still under the weather. While the two of them went sledding.
I like pretty things

south lake tahoe

well it looks like i'm sick this whole vacation.

yesterday, the 24th, i stood in line and got us tickets to the gondola, and we went up the scenic route. it was rediculously gorgeous.

and then at the top we had hot chocolate, i listened to a band while andy and k explored.

then the way back, we were stuck in a long line in 15 degree weather. my toes got really cold.

dinner was happy hour at kalani's hawaiian. i've been really good about not over ordering this week since i'm on a diet.

then we came home and each opened one present.