Yesterday my open level latin friend came over to help me practice my intl rhumba choreo. At one point she said: "During the fan, crunch your upper back which draws your foot in."
And I was like: what the heck?
I put my hand on her upper back and I could feel her crunching her upper back. And in my own body, I could barely feel it. So she gave me micro exercises to help me feel my lats and learn to isolate them and crunch them.
Today at the Sat morning lesson, my teacher was asking me to push my shoulders further down, and to engage my lats. And I could barely hold my arms when it was all correct.
So another body part to work on.
However, when my lats are engaged and my shoulders are down, I look like a dancer or a yogi. And I think the only way to strengthen this is to absorb it into my real life.
I really think this is a big step in my dancing progress. Because it also makes my spins better, and my posture and the whole dance look better.
This morning while on the porch.
Andy: "Hello someone that is loved by a lot of people."
Then kisses me on the neck.
Me: "Am I loved by a lot of people? Really?" In an insecure way. There's been way too much drama lately.
"The important ones."
K: "Me too!"
Sy: "I love you too!"
i'm pretty content today.
it helps that i'm not pms-ing and i just danced so much last weekend. with the double dance lesson with J on friday and the saturday mini-match.
I'm someone who feels a lot of things. I have a lot of feelings.
And telling me not to feel them is basically just deadening my soul.
I move from wave to wave.
I think maybe the key for me, is to have my neutral state be more like a quiet joy or contentment. That way even if I'm in wave, or a in a dip, I learn to move back to that quiet joy.
When someone disappoints or cuts me, I can ride that wave and get back to quiet joy.
I do think my mental space is important and to figure out what is the appropriate amount of mental space things or people should take.
What is important to me? What are my values?
I overheard a song by The Killers that Nicolas Palmquist had a dance too, while eating a taco at Velvet Taco.
I put it on when I was at home and it made me fly and dance around and it was glorious. I played twice or three times.
Anyways, then my left achilles tendon started complaining, and by the evening both feet were complaining but the left one especially. I woke up today and my left one is still hurting quite a bit. To the point that I cancelled tomorrow's lesson. I'm going to see what it feels like tomorrow morning but this may mean I push back new guy E's lesson from Tues to Thursday.
The right foot is also complaining some, but less then the left.
Urgh. It was foolish to dance all out without warm up and without the strength for it.
I really hope I can still keep my dance lesson on Wednesday.
I think I may have to give up contemporary or just be really really careful when I dance that and ballet. I've had an inkling of it throughout quarantine when I was doing the broadway and contemporary classes and my achilles tendon would hurt.
This is the strongest indicator tho.
Anyways, yesterday I had a lovely day with the N's. Their hot tub and pool were lovely and she served us great food and there were wonderful drinks. So good.
I know this happiness is provisional:
the looming presences –
great suffering, great fear –
into peripheral vision:
but ineluctable this shimmering
of wind in the blue leaves:
this flood of stillness
widening the lake of sky:
this need to dance,
this need to kneel:
– Denise Levertov, Of Being
I called Jenny while I was crying but she didn't answer.
So I called Jeremy. He picked up the phone.
I said, "Jeremy, I'm crying."
His immediate response: "I'm here for you. What do you need?"
Me: "I'm sad."
Which was the most perfect response and he basically sat with me while I felt my sadness. He asked me how sadness felt like? I told him it felt like helplessness and vulnerability. And he said those are different feelings. Do you think that's sadness? Is that part of sadness? So he made me sit with it for a while.
He said the whole country is depressed. Our energy is depressed, our activities are depressed. I asked him how he was, and he said, "Happily depressed."
april seems to stretch out so long.
today i'm grateful for
1. a soft comfy bed
3. good friends
it would be nice if it would stop raining for a bit and i can wonder around. maybe i should drive regardless.