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October 13th, 2019

fred astaire and ballroom psychoanalysis

I was at Godance and describing my relationship with fred astaire and at various points I find the words coming out of my mouth like: "dysfunctional relationship" and "abusive relationship."

I was surprised to hear myself say those things out loud. So I am now doing some internal processing to figure out why I would say those things.

Things have been harder with their move to Westlake, because I dislike driving in rush hour traffic and it takes me 45 to 60 mins in traffic. And then I arrive grumpy. Also, I've tried to schedule things like doubles and the last time I tried to talk to the admin she basically blew me off. So there is a 1.5 month gap between privates right now.

Then I was invited to go to their "checkout" on friday, which I didn't really want to, but my instructor, D, he kept inviting me, so I went. And then a few mins before the event, while I was dancing with another partner, he didn't even bother to wait till I was done, he said that I would be dancing with another instructor. I wouldn't have drove all the way there if it wasn't to dance with him.

D is in turn warm, personable, and shines the light of his full attention on you, and other times don't talk to you at all. And I think this is triggering to any woman with any man. In this case, he's my dance partner, he has authority, even tho we aren't romantically involved, there is a complex relationship with ballroom dance teachers. So I think his hot/cold ness is what triggered my subconcious to think of "abusive relationship." This would be the same even in close friendships. Someone in turn being nice and warm to you, and that same person ignoring you days later.

Someone at the godance social that was at Fred Astaire also mentioned that he removed all of them off facebook and just completely severed the relationship and how hard it was for him. Hearing him say that was a relief, that I am not crazy for having such a hard time letting go.

I freaking love dancing with D, I think he's a fun dancer, and I have the most fun when I dance with him. I used to think he was the best dance teacher ever, until I started dancing at Dance With Me, and I realized the corrections I was getting from J was helping me dance better. Which then, what keeps me dancing with D? Is it because he's fun? Or is it some weird emotional addiction abusive compeonent?

Anyways, lots to process.

I still have 22 lessons left with them, so even if I resolve anything, anything can check in 8 months. Especially when dealing with something weird like this.