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Short story #2: Feedback welcome

So this is my second short story, the first one is in some ancient computer somewhere.

It's pretty short: 3 pages.

http://geeksuka.com/?p=41

Feedback welcome here on livejournal.

If you read it, thank you for taking the time!

It took me taking thousands and thousands of pictures before I felt like a "real" photographer. And so I figure I should get my first several shitty story writing out of the way.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
floppyghost
Oct. 31st, 2013 12:40 pm (UTC)
Feedback
Nice story. You know, reading this, coming from you, took part of me back to a realm we where both part of, 15 years ago or something like that. A realm of kings and castles, orcs and elves, fireballs and kniggets in more or less shiny plate-armor. I hate the term "real life", because it implies that there's some part of your experiences that are not "real", and that's bullshit.

I think this was the best part of the story -- the idea that actually, there's no magical wall between "real" and "online" life, instead they're part of the same one reality, you may play different roles, but you're still you. The idea ain't completely novel, I've recommended a book on Goodreads to you that explores the same concept.

The worst part ? I do think the protagonist comes across as a little flat and not particularly likeable, I also miss a better motivation for him to commit suicide. In the game he's a king, which it appears he values primarily because girls will have cybersex with him, while outside the game he's got more trouble with relationships due to not being a king and not having a pet dragon. That's fine, but it leaves me thinking he's somewhat of an arse, and "I hooked up with some girls, but it didn't last" seems a thin justification for suicide.

Another good part ? The opening was in many ways over-the-top cliche, it's just so -very- standard medieval fantasy. That would've been a minus if the story was a fantasy-story, but the fact that it was later revealed to take place in a game made that a plus. Because many games really ARE like that. The shifting perspective was fun !

Liked the last sentence too.

ripresa
Nov. 1st, 2013 05:23 pm (UTC)
Re: Feedback
Eivind, you rock. Thank you for taking the time to give me feedback.

Really good feedback :)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )