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gender equality is a lie.

I have several thoughts about parenting and gender that I need to one day coalesce into an essay.

Basically. You think that gender equality is bad? Wait till you have a baby. I started seeing an inkling of it when I took Andy to the baby wearing meetings, and there were 80 woman and 3 men. And only one other was really participating, the others were on their phone, or looking bored.

Then Andy would be hanging out at flipside reading a birth book, and people would be like: "Oh, you're so supportive!".

He is half of the parental unit!!!

So a few days ago, I was looking at facebook, and I saw my friend Kaci (hey Kaci!) in a photo with some out of town improvisors. And I felt this twinge of jealousy. The jealousy was over that she is out and about in a social event, and she can just go out and socialize when she wanted to. And I felt trapped.

I think feeling trapped is a common feeling among new parents. But I don't like feeling it at all.

The thing that brings me one of my most consistant pleasure in life, since I was young... was being able to go out and eat my favorite food, and read a book. And I felt sad that it would be difficult for me to just go out to my fav thai place and read a book.

Then I went and felt sorry for myself.

And then, the next day, the doctor said I could drive. And I was like fuckkkk it, I'm going to go have sushi and read a book. Andy took care of the baby, while I did that, and I felt sooooooooooooooo good. I was so happy after that.

The same day we left the baby and I went to his roast and laugh so much.

And I realized, I can have a life. It's my choice to leave the baby. I love the baby so much. But I also need to keep sane.

Several of the due club women remarked that I had social engagements already! How could I leave the baby so early?!

And the answer is: A father who pulls his weight.

Since Andy shares parental care, I get to go out too! I don't understand women who say that they haven't been out and left their kid since they gave birth 2 years ago. WTF. What happened to your life, your dreams, and your goals???

I told Andy yesterday that I don't think I'll have postpartum depression! And he starts laughing. But it's true. As long as I can go to my parties once in a while, and go out and have thai food and read a book, I think I'll turn out okay.



Sep. 5th, 2014 03:13 pm (UTC)
Oh absolutely. Being a father is the ONE situation that matters to me where I feel as if I've been systematically discriminated, diminished, ignored and made to feel "second-best" solely because of my gender.

People often mean well, but you still want to scream FUCK YOU sometimes. For example people would sometimes "compliment" me on how nice it was that I was "helping Silvia" when the actual fact of the situation was that she was working full-time while I was a stay-at-home dad and the primary caretaker. Yet people automatically stamped me as "assistant" and her as "primary".

(nobody -ever- complimented Silvia on "assisting" me with the kid(s) !)

On a positive note though, the experience has taught me a bit about what it may be like to be a woman doing a stereotypically "male" thing. There's a million and one big-and-small ways you're told that you're in one sense or another not welcome, or not the "right" person.

As a friend of mine commented, every time he changes his daughters diapers he does so using wipes from a package that proudly displays: "Tested by moms".

I firmly believe that we'll never have real equality in the worklife unless we ALSO get it in homelife.
Sep. 5th, 2014 04:43 pm (UTC)
"I firmly believe that we'll never have real equality in the worklife unless we ALSO get it in homelife."

So true!!!!!


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