ripresa (ripresa) wrote,

Dear Journal,

The last 4 weeks have been miserable.

The day before Christmas at the Indian Lodge, I started to bleed. It was too early for my period. So I thought it may be implantation bleeding. But usually those don't last that long, and four days later I was still bleeding, so I thought that I miscarried. I've tracked my cycle since 2007. I know my body.

We went home, I took a pregnancy test - negative, we lit a candle for the little fetus, and then we went to Houston. I was pretty sick with a cold the whole time I was there. Cut my boardgaming con short. And when we went home I was thinking of doing antibiotics, or stronger medicine. But instinct made me do another pregnancy test. The test blinked "pregnant". Then turned off, So I dragged Kaya to Randalls, which was closed, then Walgreens, and I tested two more times: pregnant.

Andy was at work, so I was alone digesting this news. A couple of hours after the tests I started to cramp. It was mildly painful. Lasted 45 mins. And then the pain stopped. While I was no longer bleeding a lot, I was still spotting. I've spotted constantly since the implantation bleeding at Christmas.

2 nights later, I had cramping, and painful wrap around contractions. The cramps were mostly on my left side.

I made an appointment with the OB, they don't want to see you till 7/8 weeks when they can see something in the ultrasound.

The cramping and spotting were not good signs though. So I got my blood drawn on a Fri, Jan 6.
On Monday, the nurse called me, and said, "Oh shoot. The numbers are not healthy."

My HCG was 104, and my pregesterone was 2.1. The numbers were too low for week 5 of pregnancy. So she wanted me to redraw my blood to see where the HCG was going. I went back that monday, and the lab order was messed up, and instead of testing for HCG, they tested some other useless test. I called the OB office so they had to straighten it out. On Tuesday, I kept waiting for information and they didn't tell me my HCG, but today, Wednesday, one of the nurses sorted it out. My HCG was 46. Which if this was a miscarriage was the numbers we wanted to see. It meant that my body was progressing with the miscarry.

I'm a bit sad. I may be a bit depressed.

It was really strange that this NY Times article was published on Jan 6

I wanted a way to commemorate my tiny fetus, so went to Shoal Creek nursery to get a garden animal. I picked one and as I was about to pay, I saw jizos in their half off sales section. So I got one, and then brought it home.

Last night I cuddled with it a bit as I was sleeping. I like its heavy weight on my heart.

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